You're doing it wrong
“Let’s pretend you’re the sister and I’m the teacher…”
“Let’s pretend I’m Elsa and you’re Anna…”
“Let’s pretend you’re the Mommy and I’m your dog and you name me Rosie…”
I will color, play beauty shop, have dance parties, go on walks, and read with Anessa all day long, but when it comes to “Let’s pretend”, I’ve got about five minutes of it in me before I’m scouting my escape.
“Elsa, that was a great tea party, but now I need to do the laundry,”
“No, Mommy, you’re doing it wrong. Anna doesn’t do the laundry.”
Frankly, Mommy’s not so hot at it either, but any exit ramp off the Let’s Pretend highway will do. This doesn’t stop my strong-willed, attention-seeking child, who will find any way to insert herself into the foreground of my sight. Even if that means jumping in the laundry basket of clean clothes I’ve just folded, claiming she is now a baby and the basket is her crib.
“I’m going to change the next load of laundry and put these clothes away, and then how about we go on a walk?” I suggest.
“Yay! Right now?” Anessa’s eyes actually sparkle when she’s excited.
“Once I’m done with the laundry.”
I knew this would be a challenge for Anessa. Like many five-year-olds, patience is not a strong suit. She’s also still struggling with the concept of time. Additionally, there are trauma responses that get thrown in the mix revolving around trust and control. Let’s just say, Anessa has revived the concept of inchstones in our house.
To help temper the storm brewing I asked her to help me so that she could be included. When she rejected that idea, I suggested other activities while she waited. None of which were acceptable because she wanted to go on the walk NOW!
The situation escalated quickly culminating in her screaming, “You’re not my friend” as she ran to her room and slammed the door.
Obviously, this behavior was not ok, but I wasn’t going to be able to discuss that with her while she was upset. So, I continued putting the laundry away, which brought me to Jackson’s room.
His door needs a sign that says “enter at your own risk” as my once sweet and cuddly boy has entered full tweendom and there is no telling what mood lies on the other side.
I laid Jackson’s close on his bed and asked him to put them away… today. Seeing the multitude of bowls and silverware lying around the room I also requested that he bring them all downstairs and maybe clean up all the snack and candy wrappers while he’s at it.
“It’s my room, I like it messy!”
“This room is in my house and I’m telling you to clean it.”
Seconds after I’d left his room, another door was slammed. To be fair, Jackson’s door sticks and it’s hard to close without it making noise, but the dramatic impact of both children closing their doors resonated long after the sound waves had passed.
“You’re doing it wrong!”
A couple days ago a dear friend, whom I’ve known for decades, stayed the night with us at the end of her business trip. There is something about spending time with people who have known you since before you were married or had kids. Pretense falls away when reminiscing about the skin-bearing outfits worn to bars in our 20s contrasted with the mom jeans we now throw on to pick up our kid from middle school play practice.
She helped me with dinner prep and cleanup, bath time, and bedtime all while telling my children what an amazing mommy I was for making this dinner or chauffeuring them to practices and games. When we finally sunk into the couch with a shared bottle of wine, we fully confessed our shared parenting woes.
We are both well aware of what a gift it is to be a mother – and to stay a mother – but that doesn’t make the challenge of being a mother any easier.
There is a reason parenting is a common topic in stand-up comedy or among the thousands of influencers filling our feeds. There is comfort in shared misery, in feeling less alone, be it potty training, NG tube maintenance, or hormone surges.
“You’re doing an amazing job,” she told me.
And in that moment, despite the slamming doors, I believed her.
Photo ID: Jackson in a yellow sweatshirt and hot pink beanie is sitting on a navy blue couch with a forced smile. On top of him, hugging his waist is Anessa wearing a yellow striped pajama top which is hiked up to show her belly, and yellow Winnie the Pooh pj shorts. Her head is resting on his chest and she has a strawberry sticker covering her face. Behind them on the couch is a black dog and a kitchen can be seen through the doorway behind them.
