Mid-life melodrama

"Mid-life melodrama"

Remember earlier this year when I wrote about enjoying a slower pace of life, but I knew I would eventually get bored? Hi, it’s me, I’m bored. No, that’s not true. I’m not so much bored as I am anxious. Anxious that I should be using this downtime more wisely. That I should be working toward some larger goal. And cue the 3am spiral where I question what in the world I am doing with my life.

At first, I jokingly told friends I was having a mid-life crisis. But I’m not in crisis – I know what crisis looks like and this isn’t it. In fact, sometimes I wonder if this anxiety isn’t the result of not being in crisis all the time – that it is my body's attempt to re-regulate after years of living in fight-or-flight.

No, this is more like a mid-life melodrama where a middle-aged woman with a loving and healthy family (emphasis on healthy), with manageable financial concerns, stresses about how to spend her time while enjoying a very comfortable life. I know I’m cringing just writing it.

If it wasn’t clear, I am not looking for anyone’s sympathy here. I don’t even feel sorry for myself. I am so lucky to even have the time and energy to worry about how I can best utilize my time and energy.

That said, after speaking to several friends about my mid-life melodrama, I’ve learned that I am not alone in wondering what the heck I want to do with my life. One friend told me she woke up one day and realized her side gig had become her main gig, and that had NOT been the plan. Another was tired of working in a male-dominated field but was unsure what professional moves were available to her. And several others just couldn’t imagine doing what they are doing now for another 15-25 years.

Full disclosure, this essay has been really challenging to write, and I’ve nearly scrapped it a dozen times. I can feel the “woe is the financially safe white woman” dripping from my words. I’m not sure when the last time was that I felt this uncomfortable writing about a topic – which some might take as a sign to keep these feelings to myself, but I’ve never been good at that. Especially, when I know I’m not alone in feeling them.

So here I am, announcing my mid-life melodrama and owning the privilege it entails so that others know they are not alone in wanting something more or maybe just something different from their life. To anyone who is experiencing their own melodrama, I encourage you to ask yourself a few questions:

Of the many roles you’ve held over the years, which ones have fulfilled you the most? What skills and knowledge are you the proudest of? In what kind of work-setting do you thrive? Finally, what kind of people do you want to surround yourself with?

My answers to these questions are so glaringly obvious I feel stupid even needing to pose them. Being Adelaide’s mom and caregiver has been by far the most fulfilling role of my life. I am really proud of both my writing and public speaking skills and all the knowledge I gained not just from being Adelaide’s mom but also from learning how to rebuild a life that didn’t include her physical presence. I thrive and feel the most alive when I am on a stage, and then again when I get to connect with people one on one afterward. I want to surround myself with people who are also on a perpetual journey of learning and growth. Who need to leave the world a better place that when they entered it.

Because none of these are life-altering revelations, I also have to question how and why I got off track. In 2024 I had half a dozen speaking engagements and was working on my second book. I was thriving! ...And then a little cancer asteroid disrupted my momentum.

Even though I knew the asteroids were out there, it still shook me at how off course my life could be thrown, even after everything we had already survived. It’s possible my mid-life melodrama has more to do with the fear of putting in the effort only to have another crater open up before me. Or it could be the exhaustion of having to pull myself up yet again. Or perhaps it is the weight of decades spent running and hustling only to realize that it doesn’t end just because we are older.

So, where do I take these questions and answers from here?

Well, for starters, I will keep writing and connecting with all of you. And I guess I also have to get off my ass and finally make that public speaking reel that has been on my to-do list for ages. If anyone has an idea on where to start with that, I am all ears. Additionally, I will lean on you, my community, and ask you to keep me in mind for your next corporate retreat or conference – I give a kickass keynote on resilience and the art of accepting change. I could also talk a group’s ear off on grief. Heck, if there is extra budget, I can even bring Miguel along – we’ve got four gigs lined up this fall that we are doing together!

Ok, so maybe I’m not as far off course as I feel. And yes, having a more balanced life outside of fight-or-flight survival is a good thing. But also, I think we usually know what we want, and maybe even the first steps to take, even when we are floundering the hardest. We just need someone to give us a gentle shove in the right direction. So, dust off your knees and consider this your gentle shove.

ID: A selfie of Anessa and Kelly. Anessa is sticking out her tongue and Kelly is smiling. They are sitting outside on a bench, in front of a tree, eating cups of ice cream.