Time pressure

I lost a dear friend this week (pictured here with a days old Jackson) due to complications from a very fierce fight with breast cancer. She would have turned 38 tomorrow. Her daughter and Strawbaby are less than a year apart and over the last few months we had been able to schedule playdates during some of her better days and I will forever be grateful for that time together. 

Recently we had spoken about the pressure of acknowledging that we had limited time with the people we love. Time pressure is a legitimate type of psychological stress but it typically refers to work-life balance and just feeling like there aren’t enough hours in the day. Not the existential crisis that occurs when there isn’t enough time in life.

We came to the conversation from different places but our takeaway was the same: there is an unimaginable weight that settles over you when time becomes finite. A desperation to make every moment count. That even an hour away can feel squandered at best and selfish at worst. It’s why I slept in Adelaide’s bed for the last two weeks of her life. I was terrified to regret even a second apart.

I tried to remind her that it was ok to spend time on herself as well, that that was also time well spent. Inherently, I think we all know this is supposed to be true, but rationality offers little relief to guilt this potent. After all, we rarely regret spending time with someone who is no longer here. Our memories with them become precious, seen through rose colored-filters. We forget altogether what we passed up to be with them. Hindsight favors the tragic.

We can earn more money.

We can grow new relationships.

We cannot create more time. 

The fact is our time is limited and life is precious. We hear over and over that we should make the most of each day or till live each day like it’s our last, but that is an insane amount of pressure to live up to on random Tuesday. Especially when we are juggling caring for our family, doctors appointments, field trips, athletic practices, music lessons, emails, zoom calls and getting dinner on the table. I’m just trying to make sure that we have milk for cereal and coffee in the morning - crossing things off my bucket list simply isn’t a priority at the moment. 

But should it be? Am I doing this life thing all wrong?

I don’t have the answer to that and honestly, that’s too big of a question for me to wrap my brain around at the moment. What I can say with confidence is that I value life and I am doing my best just as my friend Marnie did. She showed up to best of her ability with a contagious laugh, a genuine smile and the absolute silliest sense of humor. And maybe that’s the goal. 

Each day doesn’t need to be filled with epic instagrammable moments. It just needs to include the people we love and regular exchanges that remind them of our love. It’s the cuddles and snuggles when we meet each other’s children for the very first time AND it’s also a text just letting them know we’re thinking about them. It’s the undisputed joy we feel for one another when life or career goals are achieved AND it’s offering to watch their pet while they are away (especially if that means wearing galoshes and catcher’s gear in the event of an attack when all you want to do is fill their food bowl - I’m looking at you, Arwen). 

It’s having gratitude that we got to share space, no matter how limited, with someone we love. Because there will never be enough time. We will always feel like we should have, could have done more. And maybe another version of ourselves could have - but this version, this person who is balancing all that they are, is doing their best. So, whether you are watching your own sand sift through the hourglass or someone else’s, take a breath and cut yourself a little slack. As long as your love is known and felt - I think you’re doing this life thing just right.