Brotherly love
It really is remarkable how seamlessly Strawbaby has folded into our lives. She hasn’t even been in our home for five months and it’s already beginning to feel like she’s always been here.
She wasn’t though.
We all had prior lives that shaped us and that will continue to do so. Whenever I need a reminder of this, I need look no further than Jackson and Strawbaby’s relationship.
In those first few days, Strawbaby bonded with Jackson immediately. This was not entirely a surprise since adults had come and gone from her life, while other children had been a constant. Jackson ate this up, bowl to lips, no spoon required. He so desperately wanted to be a big brother again, a protector, caregiver and playmate.
That sweet sibling honeymoon period lasted all of three days.
It didn’t take long for Strawbaby to get the lay of the land and begin to attach to me. Which is perfectly healthy and exactly what we hoped for - until she began to see Jackson as competition for my love and attention. While I know little about her life before, I can only imagine that there was not enough of either to go around.
Rejection is hard for the most confident among us, but for a nine year old who was being told to “go away” and “don’t touch me” by the sibling for which he had been longing for years was devastating. For better or worse, she rejected Miguel fairly hard in those early weeks as well, so at least they weren’t alone?
“I just want to give her a hug, why won’t she let me?”
“No Chacho*, no hug!” Strawbaby would yell, not looking up from her coloring.
*Chacho, short for muchacho (little boy in Spanish) is our nickname for Jackson and what Strawbaby calls Jackson - which is pretty stinking cute to hear her say - even if the words around it aren’t very nice.
For weeks, Jackson would continuously ask Strawbaby for a hug or a cuddle and she would continuously turn him down and I would continuously tell him to stop pushing himself on her so that he could prevent his own disappointment.
“Chacho play hide and seek?” Strawbaby asked Jackson one afternoon hovering next to him.
“No, I’m playing a video game, sorry.”
Now, I’m not discounting that a nine year old boy would rather play video games than hide and seek with a three year old - but I realized that Jackson actually didn’t know how to relate and interact with a neurotypical/non-disabled sibling.
That evening we talked about how special his relationship was with Adelaide. How they had cuddled on the couch everyday and he had hugged her and loved on her endlessly (whether she wanted it or not). How nothing could ever replace that relationship, but also nothing could replicate it either. Miguel asked Jackson how often he saw his friends cuddling with their siblings.
“…never.”
“Look, that doesn’t mean that you and Strawbaby won’t EVER hug and cuddle, but your sibling relationship will be different from what you had with Adelaide. You have to interact with her on her terms. She doesn’t want to sit still and be held captive by you, but she does want to play with you! You’re just going to have to put down the video games and suck up a game of hide and seek where she hides in the EXACT same place over and over and over again”
“I just didn’t realize having a little sister would be so annoying.”
“Ha! You should talk to Uncle Cam about how annoying it was to have an older sister!”
So there’s been growing pains, but they are figuring it out and are now becoming experts in what buttons to push to really rile the other one up - which is basically Sibling 101. Meanwhile, Miguel and I are learning how to navigate this new type of parenting.
“That’s Chacho’s, put it down.”
“We only write on our own paper, not Chacho’s homework paper.”
“Strawbaby, no hitting."
“Jackson, just give it to her please!”
“Because you are nine and she is three.”
“Because you know better.”
I mean, if I had each of these phrases on a daily parenting bingo card, I would be KILLING it!
Then I turn around and they actually are snuggled up under a blanket on the couch. Or Jackson is insisting on putting Strawbaby to bed by himself AND she lets him: PJ’s, stories, songs and all. Or after a night with a babysitter, she calls for Chacho to come get her out of bed in the morning instead of me.
We’re all figuring out these new roles and relationships as we go and trying to adjust as they rapidly grow and change with each passing week. It is absolutely wild to watch these children, my children, form an attachment and bond in real time. I know they are going to be so good for each other, toy stealing, attention competing, shrill yelling and all.
