I’m trying to enjoy a season of yes but my body is having other plans. And no, I don’t want to give myself any more grace. Also, did you pre-order The Luckiest yet?
All tagged Mental health
Pecs like The Rock
I’m not sure why the fall always catches me by surprise. I see it coming, I try to mentally prepare. But every dang year it knocks me on my ass culminating in a sprint to the end-of-year holidays. This year though, I’m feeling it all a little extra. I’m just more tired. Is it because my energy is still compromised after a year of surgeries (#FuckCancer)? Am I simply out of logistical shape and I just need to stretch these planning muscles a little more? Or maybe this is a part of getting older? I know that witnessing the dismantling of American democracy is not helping. Then again, could this be a side effect of Tamoxifen…
Today is going to be ok
It is a widely known fact that I crave control in just about every aspect of my life. Though, life has LOVED reminding me how little control I actually possess. My workaround has been to focus on what I know I can control. To flip every switch and lever available to me in hopes that even if it all goes to shit, I can at least look back and say I did everything I could.
In search of a touchstone
Not having a memory-filled home base never really bothered me before. I’ve enjoyed living all over, experiencing and getting to know different parts of the country. It’s exciting, new, and different, all of which I have a history of gravitating toward. But lately I’ve been craving something simpler, something known: a touchstone.
Malaise /məˈlāz/
Lately I’ve been feeling unmotivated. Questioning if a depressive episode is creeping in. I’ve settled on the term malaise - mostly because I like the way it sounds. Turns out it is also an accurate usage of the word: a feeling of being unwell, fatigued, or generally not yourself.
I am f*cking strong
I take a lot of pride in my strength even if it is not strength that I ever wanted to earn. I did earn it and it is mine. Which is why I think that this last week has been so hard. Because for the first time in a long time I have felt vulnerable, I have felt weak, I have not felt like myself – physically or emotionally.
The weight of cancer
In January, after a routine mammogram and ultra-sound (because dense breast club), the radiologist recommended I get a lump in each breast biopsied. Three weeks later, one turned out to be a large benign cyst. The other was cancer.
Does this make me happy?
Every five years or so my life has undergone a major life refocusing and it would appear that I am in the midst of one again. And it awkward and uncomfortable and I’m not quite sure what I am supposed to do next.
Zombie food
I am trying to stay informed but not be overwhelmed. To acknowledge the chaos but not succumb to it. To bear witness to the devastation but not let it depress me. And let me tell you, it is hard fucking work. Who knew it would take a global upheaval for me to finally start practicing mindfulness?
For now, not for always.
“What if we bought a house in the country and homeschooled the kids?” I thought out loud in my husband’s direction. Miguel, ever-patient listened as I played out my daydream before I came to the obvious conclusion that I would be miserable after two weeks. Still, life suddenly felt too fast – I was capable of keeping up, but for the first time in a long time I didn’t want to.
Inchstones (reprise)
Earlier this week, I gave a virtual keynote on our family’s journey and various themes from my book, Normal Broken. During the Q&A, an attendee mentioned she had been reading my blog, but until this talk hadn’t known what the name of my blog, Inchstones, referred to. So, this week, I’m taking it back to March 22nd, 2019, and resharing a blog about what the concept of inchstones means to me.
Owning it
As caregivers we spend so much time resisting the idea that our loved one is a burden. We love them, we want to care for them, they deserved to be cared for, and if we don’t do it who else will? In a world that measures human value in physical or financial productivity, the last thing we want to do is show the toll their health takes on us as well.