About that fluffy puppy

First meeting Oct 2020

Ok, so I know I wrote an entire blog post about how I refused to write about puppies just because it would make people feel better. Buuuuuuut that was before we brought one home. Jackson had been begging for his own dog for well over a year. Tabasco is eleven years old, and while he is in excellent health, he has become a bit of a curmudgeon in his older age and prefers to follow me around and beg for my attention. This arrangement works beautifully for me, especially in my more emotionally needy state of late, not so much for an energetic eight year old boy. Especially when Tabasco growls, not with any intent - but a whole lot of of annoyance, every time Jackson tries to hug him.

The night before we were to pick up our new family member, Jackson had a confession to make.

“Mommy, I’m really excited but also a little nervous”

“Being nervous is a good thing. That’s how I know you’re ready to have a puppy. Can I tell you a secret? Before I gave birth to you I was super nervous.”

“Really?”

“Oh, heck, yeah! What if I wasn’t good at being a mommy?”

“But you’re a great mommy!”

“Thank you, baby. I love you and that’s how I know you will be a great puppy owner. You are nervous because you care.”

“Yeah, and because I have to keep my room clean so she doesn’t chew or choke on my toys. I mean this is going to be my biggest responsibility EVER.”   

Considering the typical F5 tornado state of his room, he’s not wrong. When Jackson first held Sriracha he was very quiet. I couldn’t tell if he was overwhelmed by the aforementioned responsibility, unsure about the dog or just still waking up from the nap he’d taken in the car on the way to get her. I asked him if he liked her, if she was the one. Jackson squeezed her wiggly body close and nodded yes, his curly mop of hair hiding his eyes. 

“She doesn’t growl when I hug her.” He said. Fair point - not exactly a high bar - but a very fair point. In the car ride home there were quiet giggles every time she tried to escape her open carrier to attack Jackson with kisses. 

Since then the two have only been separated while Jackson is in virtual school and as soon as he has a break or the school day is over he is out of his room checking on her and ready for an exchange of unconditional love. His attitude is better, he’s more focused, happier. It is as if there has been a subtle, but noticeable, shift in his total body energy. Who knows how long this will last or if her newness will wear off in time. What I do know is that this little pup is filling a hole in Jackson that I hadn’t noticed was there until she arrived.

Since the initial shock of Adelaide’s death, Jackson has not openly grieved. He talks about her, mentions missing her, but tears or other signs of traditional mourning are few and far between. Miguel and I had chalked this up to Jackson being protective of our feelings. Not wanting to upset us more than we already are over her loss. We’ve also had to honestly acknowledge that Jackson’s day-to-day life hasn’t been significantly altered by her absence. She was not a playmate to him, they didn’t fight over toys or screen time. In fact, as difficult as it is to admit, his life is arguably better without her: he now gets both of his parents undivided attention, there are no more holidays spent in the hospital and the stress level in our home has decreased exponentially.  

Because Jackson seemed to be taking the loss of his sister in stride, for now anyway, I hadn’t pushed the issue. I mean, this was why we had him in all that therapy leading up to her death, read all the books, had all the open family discussion. It was all done with the hope that he would be emotionally prepared, right? I had missed one crucial piece though, something there is no way Jackson could ever have verbally articulated: he has missed having a companion. His partner in morning couch cuddles, and evening couch cuddles and bedtime story cuddles. His partner in the back seat of the car and in dinner time distractions. She may not have been able to play with him in a traditional sense, but they were the Cervantes kids, that was his sister, and when she was alive he was never alone. 

This morning I walked downstairs and saw Jackson watching TV snuggling next to Sriracha, the way he used to with Adelaide and it all clicked. The hole he must have felt but been unable to describe, the positive change in his attitude as he felt familial companionship again. Sriracha cannot replace his sister but she can certainly help with some of the loneliness. And in addition to not growling when he hugs her she also doesn’t swat at him when she’s had enough of his cuddles as Adelaide used to do. Double bonus.

Ok, so maybe a lighter fluffy puppy post isn’t all bad in the right context. Besides, who doesn’t love a cute puppy pic.