Ja-ja-jaded

Welp, that springtime induced calm and happiness lasted a whole week before the storm clouds rolled in hot and heavy. By Monday morning I was answering for that week of fair weather motivated procrastination. Seriously, how does one family produce so much laundry? And why does sending my children to school result in me having to read and respond to a bajillion emails per week concerning said school?

Then there was the intense stress spike that came when I took in the full scope of our spring calendar. Managing a family calendar during the last few months of the school year, with extra-curricular activities, birthday parties, while finalizing summer plans on top of basic household management, (and heaven forbid any plans of my own) is basically the decathlon of parenting. But instead of competing in each of the ten events individually, you are doing all of them all at once.

How in the world did I do this when Adelaide was alive? All the activities AND her medical and therapy appointments AND lugging all her equipment with us everywhere? Then I remember that not only was I barely keeping it together we also had help. The last year and half of Adelaide’s life we had our incredible home nurse for 40 hours/week who helped share the physical as well as mental load of managing Adelaide’s care and life. I cannot stress the difference Nurse A made in all our lives. Even so, I slipped up a lot and good grief was I hard on myself when I did.

One time I forgot to send Jackson to school with his show & tell and I had to talk myself out of labelling myself a parenting failure. I felt awful anytime I would let Jackson down unintentionally. He got used to his needs coming second to his sisters, but when it happened because I just forgot? How would that impact his future self-esteem and self-worth? Which I think is a valid concern, though the impact of the event on his life was clearly momentous seeing as he doesn’t remember it and suffers no lack of confidence.

Let the record show that I’ve forgotten to send Strawbaby in with her show & tell TWICE this year (so far) and I don’t have an Adelaide to blame it on, it also doesn’t impact my sleep. I just can’t imagine it coming up in future therapy sessions as she’s dissecting her childhood.

“It’s taken months, but I’ve finally had a breakthrough! You see, all my issues can be traced back to when my mother forgot to send me to school with show & tell…”

No, just, no.

There has been an undeniable shift in my parenting which I used to think was a result of Adelaide. She provided me with an extreme perspective about what really matters in life and the lengths to which it can go wrong. Once you’ve experienced that I suppose it makes it harder to beat yourself up over a forgotten show and tell.

But I think there might be something else at play here as well. It's easy for me point to Adelaide for being the reason behind much of the way I view the world. But, this priority realignment may be much more typical than that: I think I’m just becoming a jaded parent. After all, Strawbaby is my third. It can be momentarily disorienting to realize that something I thought was “special” about me is actually pretty typical. It can also come as a huge comfort.

Look, this springtime blitz to the end of the school year is no joke. I see you overwhelmed parents trying to keep it all together. I would also like to give a major shout out to the single parents out there because I get a taste of that life most afternoons, evenings and weekends. It’s difficult enough when you can divide and conquer the calendar between two parents, but when there’s just one? Well, let’s just say by the end of most days I’ve forgotten my own name.

I could offer some advice here, like, don’t be afraid to ask for help of which I am well acquainted. So much so that recently another mother commented to me that she was happy to see Jackson was on a baseball team with a friend because she knows how much I like to carpool. At first, I was momentarily offended – am I the weak link? The one that is always asking for favors? I’m pretty sure I return them whenever called upon – but yes, I do rely on a community to help me with the kids when Miguel is at work. Then I promptly decided that I didn’t really care if it was a dig (also, it might not have been?), because I am surviving and my kids are happy, healthy, active and social and honestly I just don’t have the time or energy to care about other people’s perceptions.

So maybe that’s my advice. Lean into the jaded and just do your best… after all, no matter what we do our kids are probably going to need therapy anyway.

Image description: Kelly looking tired and blankly staring at the camera without make-up but with halloween stickers placed all over her face.*

*styled by Strawbaby