Learn to wait

Today is Anessa’s 5th birthday! There is not a day that goes by that I am not enterally grateful to call her my daughter. Her addition to our family has been nothing short of transformative. There are also days where I wonder how she has managed to transform every ounce of my patience into bone-tingling frustration.

I genuinely didn’t know that any individual person could be so willful, determined and unwavering in their desires. Ok, yes, each of these words has been used to describe me at one time or another, but if you were to ask me to do something (or not do something) and offer me chocolate, alcohol, or ice cream in return – well, those descriptors would melt away as sweetly as the Oreo coffee ice cream in my mouth.

Meanwhile, when trying to incentivize Anessa during potty training, a Barbie was placed on a shelf. This was her prize and motivation for becoming a big girl. The first few days Anessa would stand in front of the shelf staring longingly at the signature pink packaging.

It’s working! I thought to myself. But after two weeks Barbie was still on the shelf and there was zero poop in the potty. I mentioned to her that Barbie was getting lonely on the shelf, to which she responded, “Barbie’s just going to have to learn to wait.”

I know this confidence and fire will serve her well as an adult, but wow. So, my goal remains to not diminish her flame (as if I could), but to help her redirect it – which has been done with varying levels of success.

And then inevitably, typically while lying in bed at night, the daytime leash unclipped from my anxiety, the wild thoughts begin to swirl. Nothing I am facing with Anessa has immediate life or death consequences. The stakes are so much lower than they ever were with Adelaide – so why can’t I pocket this perspective and alleviate my desperate parental struggling?

I actively work to not compare Adelaide and Anessa and as the age disparity between them grows it has been much easier. Still, there are certain moments in life where it’s harder to ignore the comparisons and what ifs. Birthdays definitely fall into that category.

Over the course of this week, between birthday preparations and the chaos of regular life, these unhelpful questions and comparisons have been popping up unbidden. While watching Anessa paint her face with make-up, perfecting a Barnum & Bailey-esque look, I wonder about Adelaide and the interests she was never able to explore. When Anessa comes downstairs in a leotard, leggings and cowboy boots, with sunglasses and a Peeps candy inspired headband, I wonder how Adelaide would have chosen to dress herself if she could have communicated a clothing preference.

I don’t find myself comparing Jackson and Adelaide nearly as much as I did when she was alive. The why of this has haunted my nights as well. However, now I believe this is because had Adelaide been able to communicate more specifically, she likely would have expressed similar thoughts and emotions to Anessa – not Jackson. Honestly, some days it feels like Anessa was sent to us by Adelaide. Perhaps for comfort, but maybe because she still had more hell to raise.

I LOVE watching Anessa explore her identity and discover her interests. I have found it fascinating to see how quickly she learns something when it is taught to her in song versus being visually shown. She could play let’s pretend with nothing but a cardboard box for hours, but if there is a game with directions and rules (that are not of her creation), she’s giving it 3-5 minutes tops.

I remember Jackson going through different interests as well: learning magic tricks, dancing on the windowsill, and “orgazining” his toys. Some of it is a little fuzzy, faded by trauma and my general lack of awareness as to how precious these moments were and how they are never guaranteed.

Adelaide’s life and absence makes so many of our experiences with Anessa that much more meaningful and memorable. Even the more trying ones.

So, here’s to five. May I learn a lesson from Barbie and allow my patience to endure right alongside Anessa’s mischievous streak, creative style, and unparalleled willpower. There is no doubt that Anessa will have an impact on whichever rooms she chooses to enter. And I am looking forward to seeing which ones she blasts through and those she passes by.

ID: Anessa is wearing a feathery purple tiara, making kissy lips at the camera with her hands on her hips. A cartoon strawberry is covering her face. She is wearing a green dress with red heart-shaped ladybugs on it and colorfully beaded necklace. The background is blurred.