No amount of flowers, food, alcohol or words can fill the gaping void left in Adelaide’s absence, and right now, I don’t want anything to. This week, I was reminded of the words of another warrior mama whose son also has a neurodegenerative disorder and maintains her own well-written blog. Many of of her posts hit home but there is one in particular that I keep coming back to: "Sit with me in the dark".
Time has had a jarring presence in our house lately: speeding up then slowing down, each day blending into the next, not adhering to the laws of physics. I feel like I’m adrift with no land in sight. But there is one thing helping me keep my bearings amidst these rough waters: Jackson. I know everyone thinks their kid is incredible but this kid, Adelaide’s big brother, is really something else. He is my lighthouse in the storm.
Photo credit: Jennifer Loomis
I have to start by thanking everyone for their incredible words of love and support. Reading stories about how Adelaide’s existence has positively impacted others lives, buoyed our spirits over the last week. Now, if you were like me, you might be asking yourself, “what is hospice anyway?”. I’m certainly no expert having only navigated this space for the last month, and I imagine it looks a little different for everyone, but the following has a been our experience.
This week’s blog post was difficult to write, harder to put out into the world and maybe even harder yet for some to read. Your love and support has lifted us up and will continue to in the days ahead. Thank you…
The Cervantes family has had quite a week with something for everyone to celebrate - and we absolutely have. But lurking in the shadows of every celebration is chronic illness just waiting to take back the spotlight - and it has. I don’t use the word “hate” lightly. In fact, there is only one thing Jackson is allowed to say that he hates: epilepsy. But for some reason, using this word has been considered taboo in the community for years. So, I tried to figure out why.
I call this selfie, “Hiding from life”. I don’t know about all of you, but this Fall is doing a number on my sanity. Pretty sure I blinked and we were already halfway through September. Typically, I thrive on being busy but this season just has me wanting to crawl back under the covers, and with so much uncertainty in our life it’s not hard to see why. I took this week to check back in with me and remind myself that sometimes the best answers to the big questions are little. In typical Adelaide fashion she helped me along with some special moments of her own.
As parents we learn to live with very little privacy. I mean seriously, when was the last time you used the bathroom in peace? But what about when you have physical therapy, palliative care, an oxygen tank delivery, and your daughter’s usual home nursing care all in your home before noon. We are incredibly grateful that Adelaide is able to receive as many services in our home as she is but I can’t help but feel sometimes that we live in a much smaller, but still very public, Grand Central station.
Just call her Dr. Bug. Thanks to her mast cells rejecting her IVIG infusions Miss A will now be sporting this adorable medical accessory whenever she leaves the safety of our home. Adelaide’s health has been declining in the last month and we are fumbling along as we figure out her new limits. Years ago, life gave me a crash course on living within my financial means, but now I’m learning how to live within our wellness means. Dr. Bug is an excellent teacher, though I must say, not very patient…
For this month’s guest blog post I was compelled to ask my brother-in-law, Marcos, after he and his family spent a week with us on vacation in Michigan. As Miguel’s big brother and a father himself, what was his experience with our family that week? Please enjoy Marcos’ vulnerable and loving ode to Adelaide.
Happy birthday to “Inchstones”! One year into this blog and I have no intention of slowing down. Also, I have a big announcement in this week’s post and I need all of you to hold me accountable! The feedback and encouragement I have received from everyone who has followed along has meant so much to me and I’m ready to take it all a step further. Perhaps this is all rather presumptuous of me but I figure it is a lot harder to accomplish goals being modest and soft spoken. Let’s go!
Miguel and I do not live near our immediate families which has made this trip to Michigan that much more special. The first week Miguel’s family traveled to join us and the second week mine did. They are deeply engaged in our lives but unless you spend regular time with Adelaide I just don’t think her reality hits home. So it did not come as a shock when a few tears were shed when getting everyone up to speed. I used to feel guilty, or at the very least uncomfortable, when I would share news about Adelaide and the other person would begin to well up. It was not my intent to make them sad, this is just our reality. Was I cold hearted because I wasn’t crying too? Or maybe I’m just overexposed…
For this first time since, well, probably Adelaide was born, I am giving myself permission to stall out and just live in the moment on this vacation. Like a shark I’ve needed to keep moving to survive our new normal, even if it was just an inchstone at a time, I was always moving forward. But now for the sake of my sanity, it is time to try a new tactic.
