The syringe in my cup

The syringe in my cup

Kelly Cervantes

Once upon a time there was a cup of syringes on our kitchen counter. It contained every size syringe imaginable: Silver dollar 60mL behemoths down to the pencil-thin 1mL munchkins.

After Adelaide died I took her items scattered across the kitchen counter and placed them in her room.

“Let’s leave the syringes in the cup.” Miguel said.

So I did. Like a bouquet of clear, plastic, flower stems they sat in the cup in the corner of the kitchen. An enduring symbol of a life that was but also an unexpected source of grounding comfort years later.

The most precious gift

The most precious gift

Kelly Cervantes

Saturday night I had the pleasure of attending my brother and his fiancé’s engagement party in our hometown.
Perhaps I should have prepared myself for Adelaide being a frequent topic of conversation but I was so excited to celebrate the engagement that it never even occurred to me. What came next felt like an hours long emotional bomb raid, but when I woke up the next morning I was able to acknowledge that as difficult as the evening had been, these friends and family had given me the most precious gift a grieving parent can receive.

Lifestyle sync

Lifestyle sync

Kelly Cervantes

I am writing this post from Texas at my Mother-in-law’s house which sits on a massive piece of land, so far removed that they cannot even see their neighbor’s house. Talk about a fish out of water for this city girl. Throughout our lives we experience natural lifestyle changes: leaving our childhood home, living independently, creating our own family - we move, we learn, we grow. But then there are those lifestyle changes that are so shattering that they become a delineation in time. For me this is Adelaide’s life and subsequent death. There was life with her and there is life now.

Let's talk about sex, baby

Let's talk about sex, baby

Kelly Cervantes

Confession time, I am a total weirdo and look forward to answering Jackson’s questions about sex and the body. So, when Sriracha became a woman this week (two weeks before her appointment to be spade) I was excited for the teachable moment. Maybe not so much for the doggie diaper part though...

A different kind of pregnancy

A different kind of pregnancy

Kelly Cervantes

ADOPTION DOSSIER CHECKLIST read the header on the document. Below that followed a lengthy list of documents that would be required to process our international adoption application.

- Original Birth Certificate-Parent 1

- Original Birth Certificate-Parent 2

- Original Marriage Certificate

- Original Divorce Decrees/Death Cert, if applicable

Lost in The Hads

Lost in The Hads

Kelly Cervantes

A little girl in a bright pink swimsuit splashes in the water in front of me. She looks to be about five years old - the same age as my daughter - if she were alive. My daughter played in this pool too. I had stuffed her steroid-injected sausage-legs into the holes of a baby float.

Two little letters are all that separate have from had but it is so easy to get lost in the distance between them.

Practicing perspective

Practicing perspective

Kelly Cervantes

Are you breathing? Is your heart beating? Are you conscious and answering my questions? Well, then you’re probably ok.

This is basically of how I parented Jackson while Adelaide was alive.… By no means was he neglected - but the mental load scales definitely tilted toward Adelaide. How could they not? The thing is that my parental concern barometer doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to resettle.

Party of five?

Party of five?

Kelly Cervantes

First of all, we are still trying to tie our feet to the ground following your response to our adoption announcement. Thank you. You all sure know how to make a family feel supported and loved… and thank goodness because we have a long way to go.

On another note, I am still wrapping my head around the fact that we could be a physical family of five less than one year from now…

We're... adopting!

We're... adopting!

Kelly Cervantes

Miguel will tell you that it took us more time to choose the tile for our new master bathroom than it did to decide to move forward with adoption. But that’s not entirely true. If you’ve been following our family’s journey for awhile now you know that adding to our family has been a discussion in the background for years - long before Adelaide left us. I spent the last year trying to convince myself that our physical family of three was enough - but we all knew something was missing; and not just Adelaide.

Forced retirement

Forced retirement

Kelly Cervantes

“Did you fast before coming in today?” The phlebotomist asked.

“No, but I’m not getting a CMP so it should be fine.”

I felt a small rush as words came out of my mouth that I hadn’t uttered in over a year.

Learning this language and using it to care for and advocate for Adelaide, was one of my favorite parts of my job - and then I was forced into retirement.

Accepting disability

Accepting disability

Kelly Cervantes

“Do you have a disability placard for your car yet?” Adelaide’s neuro-muscular specialist asked.

My breath caught in my throat. I looked away.

“No, but…” I trailed off as I realized she hadn’t asked me if we needed it or if we qualified for one.

It's ok to be ok

It's ok to be ok

Kelly Cervantes

Recent efforts to normalize mental health and depression created the now popular phrase ‘its ok to not be ok’. This is a completely valid and important sentiment and one I’ve clung to as I’ve navigated life in recent years - especially during Adelaide’s life. Then, last week, I came across an Instagram post by psychotherapist, Seerut K. Chawla, in which she said, “it’s ok to be ok.” These five small words, eleven letters, hit me with the force of a wild pitch.

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