Finding reason
I asked Miguel if he wanted to write this week’s blog post in honor of his final performance as Alexander Hamilton this Sunday. He kindly obliged. I don’t believe that either of us has been brave enough to sit down and process what this show has meant to our family and how complicated this goodbye is.
My rational brain wants to treat this like the ending of any other job. Lots of people have worked at the same place for nearly eight years. In the Broadway world, lots of people come and go from shows (it’s certainly not an industry concerned with employee retention). Of course, they are not the lead of the biggest Broadway show of our lifetime AND happen to have lost a child during that run WHICH mirrors the role they played, AND will have performed that role for more performances than anyone else ever likely will forever tying it to their identity.
In Normal Broken I talk about all the vibrantly dyed threads of our grief and the beautiful tapestry they come together to create and how each thread must be grieved in its own time. Let me tell ya, this Hamilton tapestry is stunning, and I am SO not ready to touch it yet. On that note, go get ‘em, Miguel!
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People have told me that I deserved to get the role of Hamilton. That my hard work and dedication paid off. I argue that I didn't necessarily work harder than anyone else. I didn’t "deserve" it more than some other talented fella out there.
So why did I end up here? Was it meant to be? Everything happens for a reason, right?
I don't know if I believe that. I did work hard. I did put in the time. And like so many events that happen in life, both beautiful and sad, it just so happened that the exact right set of circumstances came together at the exact right time to create the life I have lived for the past 7+ years.
If you think about the human body and all the terribly complex processes that make it tick, it seems crazy that any of us are here at all. I saw Neil Degrasse, the super cool Astrophysicist, talk about how unlikely it is that we are even created. The unbelievable amount of chance involved in us being us is mind-blowing.
Adelaide was a product of this cosmic coincidence.
Because of her and Hamilton, we helped CURE Epilepsy raise millions of dollars in their fight against seizures. Because of her and Hamilton, my wife wrote a best-selling book that has and will help folks as they struggle with their grief.
Some might say that's the reason this whole thing happened. We were put in this situation to make a difference in the world that may not have occurred otherwise. Maybe.
I don't say that.
I say life happens to us and we as humans create and find a reason to put one foot in front of the other. On the glorious days when good luck is shining and joy is bubbling, it is easy. We can run, skip, and jump forward with the energy of an ignorant toddler. Freedom. I had a bunch of these days.
Other days the smallest movement feels like a herculean accomplishment. And the reason becomes blurred in a jumble of "Why me?" and "What's the point?" These are the days I remember most.
As I begin to see life after Hamilton, I am struck by how conflicted I feel: both excited and terrified. The way this show, this life, has intertwined with my own is undeniable. To say my life has been forever changed is an understatement. I am very ready to see what Tuesday nights are like at home. I hear they are nice. But I ask myself often did I do enough? Did I make a big enough difference with the time I was given? I don't think I'll ever be satisfied with the answer. (Get it?😜)
I do know that people have held my hand at the stage door and tearfully thanked me for what we have done.
They tell me of their family members who have suffered and how my family has given them comfort.
They tell me they are my wife's biggest fan.
They tell me they often think of Adelaide.
We don't get to choose what kind of life we have. Our choice lies in how we react to the life we get. I think I did the best I could.
I hope I was a good A. Ham.
I hope when Anessa finally understands what my job was, she thinks it was cool.
I hope Jackson is proud of his dad.
I hope we were able to make a difference.
I hope Adelaide's legacy will live on far beyond her short life.
Does everything happen for a reason?
I dunno. But as for the Cervantes family, I think we found a pretty good one.
Jan 7th, 2024
7 PM.
This one's for you baby girl.
ID: Miguel is wearing a dark sweater and jeans and kneeling on the Hamilton stage. He is holding Adelaide in his lap. She is wearing a grey sweater with colored flowers on the sleeves and bright pink leggings. Her hair is tied back in a ponytail and her eyes are closed. Miguel is smiling at the camera while holding Adelaide’s hands in his.
