Wait for it
I was going to skip the blog this week. Between holiday prep at home, holiday festivities at the kids’ schools, and regular life, I felt stretched and drained. Then I felt a lump in my boob. After a mammogram and ultrasound (that were panic booked at 4am), it turns out it is just another cyst - nothing to worry about. I tried to exhale with the relieving news but couldn’t.
With the end of Hamilton around the corner, with a happy holiday ahead of us, I have been waiting for an asteroid. Some unexpected, unpredictable fire-rock to come hurtling through the sky and turn the landscape of my life as I know it into a giant crater. If the asteroid wasn’t breast cancer (thank all that is good), then what would it be?
I explained my anxiety to Miguel and without missing a beat he said, “Hamilton ending is the asteroid”. He’s not wrong but given the pattern of past events, Hamilton news typically coincides with a world-shattering fire-rock.
Miguel books Hamilton → Adelaide is diagnosed with epilepsy.
Adelaide dies → Miguel is offered Hamilton on Broadway.
Miguel starts his run on Broadway → Global pandemic shuts the world down.
Each of these events happened within a week of each other. So, you can see why my spidey-senses are on high alert with Mig’s final performance as Hamilton just over two weeks away. I am working to remind myself that asteroids are random even if the above pattern seems glaringly obvious to me. And maybe Miguel is right. His time with Hamilton ending after eight years is a massive disruption to life as we know it. Even if it is a change we have wanted and are mentally preparing for.
I am so freaking excited to have Miguel home in the evenings. For the last eight years (pandemic excluded) I have been a single mom after 5pm (after 12pm on Wednesdays and Saturdays). That means all chauffeuring, meals, dishes, baths, homework, bedtimes, and everything in between has rested with me. That means that Miguel has missed baseball games, dance recitals, parent-teacher conferences, and loads of cuddles. The job may be sexy, but the schedule is not. We’ve all made sacrifices and they have absolutely been worth it. But we are ready to have Miguel home.
How he adjusts to being home will be another story that we will have to let play out in its own time. I know it won’t be a seamless transition (though being able to stay busy with the indoor batting cage facility he just opened should help). Is Hamilton ending asteroid enough? Does it count if we can see it coming and it’s not a surprise? I’m not convinced.
Just like anticipatory grief, anticipatory anxiety is very, very real. While we can do our best to mentally prepare for future events, spending too much time worrying about possibilities is wasted energy. After all, I’m sure I will be plenty capable of drumming up my anxiety for whatever future reality does land at my feet.
In the meantime, I am going to try and turn my gaze from the sky back to what is in front of me. To enjoy the next week of holidays, to appreciate and love my family that I get to be surrounded by, to basque in the Christmas wonder as seen through my children’s eyes.
The magic in a moment doesn’t have to be perfect to be enjoyed.
ID: Kelly and Miguel leaning into each other, smiling at the camera, both dressed in black. They are in a restaurant with brick walls decorated with greenery and lights for the holidays.
