I did not see this coming

This time last year I was so overwhelmed with life I asked Miguel to write a blog for me for my birthday - which is tomorrow if you were curious :) I had recently learned that the lumpectomy to remove my breast cancer had not left me cancer-free and I would need a mastectomy. A few days after that I testified against the man who sexually assaulted me in court, and the final draft of The Luckiest was due to my publisher. Life was life-ing.

What a difference a year makes. In addition to being cancer free, (and natural boob and nipple free) I also don’t have a major project I’m working on. Compared to five years ago, I’m not wading through incapacitating grief, and compared to ten years ago, I’m not caring for a developmentally delayed infant with epilepsy and no prognosis. In fact, for better or worse, this is the calmest my life has been in over a decade.

I know you’re thinking that now I’ve jinxed it, but let’s not kid ourselves: these asteroids aren’t listening to me, they will crash into my life whenever they damn well please. Knowing that, though, hasn’t stopped me from feeling like something catastrophic is hurtling toward me. However, I am getting better at setting aside the anticipatory anxiety and living the life in front of me. It helps that I’ve survived every impact so far.

Spring gears up this weekend with the beginning of Jackson’s baseball season and is quickly followed by three out-of-town trips in three weeks for CURE Epilepsy and the Undiagnosed Diseases Network Foundation. But even with all of that, life feels calmer. And I think it is because I don’t have anything life-threatening to worry about in between it all. It’s amazing how much energy is freed up when you’re not thinking about, planning, organizing, and scheduling your own health needs or those of others.

So, what do I do with all this time?

At first, I thought there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t compelled to immediately start on the next book, or further my speaking career, or start some other new career/business. Two weeks ago, I wrote about how my ambition had gone missing because if I wasn’t doing something with this free time then clearly there was something wrong with me.

What I’ve realized since then is that my ambition isn’t missing, it is just no longer being compelled forward by an overwhelming sense of urgency. I currently feel fairly confident that tomorrow is going to look similar to today – which means I have time - and that is not something I could say with much certainty before this year.

I always thought living a life where one day looked similar to the next would be the death of me. However, it turns out that perhaps this is the reprieve I have needed. Also, I am well aware it won’t last forever.

Initially, I spent this additional time keeping up with current events: doomscrolling, going down conspiracy rabbit holes, and growing generally enraged. This was neither productive nor healthy.

I decided I needed a hobby. But what?

Writing used to be a hobby, but then I turned that into a career so that was out. Anyone who knew me in college knows I was once an avid scrapbooker, but that no longer interests me. And any hobby that resembles exercise is also no-go – I work out because I’m supposed to, not because I want to.

Of all things, I landed on embroidery. I briefly mentioned this a few weeks ago, but I am all in now. Something about the thread coming through the fabric is soothing. I also enjoy a hobby where I can be creative and have something to show for it. So, any given night you can now find me sitting in a chair under a big lamp, wearing Miguel’s reading glasses and adding colorful flowers to my clothing or making gifts for family. Or also weekend mornings after having my hair done by Anessa and in the midst of a photo shoot as pictured.

I did not see this coming, but here we are, so if you have any embroidery tips to share, please pass them along. Unclear if in a few weeks this new interest will have burnt out or I will be opening an Etsy store, but I’m enjoying it for now… and also remembering all those therapists that encouraged me to try new hobbies over the years…

Anyway, if nothing else comes of it my phone usage is waaay down and as a result my mental health is vastly improved. And all this while our president threatens war crimes over breakfast. I figure that has to count for something. Right? RIGHT?!

Updates and events:

·      New episode of Seizing Life is out now! Listen to my chat with neurosurgeon Dr. Howard Weiner - Putting the Heart in Brain Surgery: A Pediatric Neurosurgeon’s Philosophy of Care. One of my fave convos to date.

·      I will be moderating a virtual panel as part of Undiagnosed Day hosted by the UDNF on April 29. Learn more and register here.

·      CURE Epilepsy Takes Manhattan: Get your tickets or sponsorship opportunities today to see Miguel and his friends from Broadway’s American Idiot reunite to perform punk/pop showtunes to benefit CURE Epilepsy on May 4th in Manhattan! Be sure to use my discount code to get some 30% off your tickets: KELLY26

ID: Kelly sitting on a blue couch wearing a blue and white striped shirt and a white blanket across her lap. She is wearing purple cat ears and looking down at an embroidery hoop. Photo taken by Anessa.