Missing: My ambition
Last seen in February lighting a fire under my ass to deliver a killer TEDx talk. No sign or word from her since. I’d offer a reward for any tips to her whereabouts, but my motivation seems to have skipped town alongside her.
Maybe it’s the side effects of Tamoxifen (a breast cancer drug that SUCKS), or could I be in the early stages of perimenopause? This eternal winter is certainly not helping, nor is the state of the world. If I listen to social media, then I have ADHD, and all the above are exacerbating symptoms that have gone undiagnosed for decades. Let the game of whack-a-mole commence!
Or, I would, if I could locate even a crumb of motivation… (insert shrug emoji)
My ambition has gone missing before, typically due to burn out. It’s kind of my MO: run myself into the ground until I get sick and my body forces me to slow down. But this time is different. For starters, I’m not sick, and while the end of the year was a sprint with the book tour, I did a pretty good job of resting over the holidays. It’s also not depression, which has been another past culprit – I am currently content, maybe a little bored, but not enough to do much about it.
When I tried to explain this feeling to a friend, she laughed and reminded me how much I’m still doing: attending events, Zoom meetings, responding to emails, hosting a podcast, being interviewed on other podcasts, writing blogs, etc. The difference is that right now I’m only reacting to whatever lands in my inbox and not driving or hustling toward the next thing.
Another friend told me to embrace this lull. That inevitably my ambition will return and along with it my motivation. Which got me thinking about this stage of my life - this lull. For the first time in decades my life is not being dictated by a boss, Adelaide’s medical needs, or my grief. I have lived asteroid to asteroid for so long that I have forgotten what it’s like to navigate stable terrain with a known tomorrow.
Of course, by writing this I am almost certainly inviting the next asteroid to crash at my feet.
What I have been thinking about a lot lately is what the next 20 years of my life will hold. These thoughts were largely kicked off by Miguel and me taking Jackson to see The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee off-Broadway in NYC earlier this week. I freaking love that show. So good.
Miguel played Chip Tolentino in the first national tour of Spelling Bee starting in 2006. I was 24 and flying all over the country to visit a 29-year-old Miguel at his various tour stops. On the way to the theater, we were telling Jackson all about this time in our lives and showing him pictures from Miguel in the show. In typical kid fashion, Jackson’s response was that he couldn’t imagine Miguel ever having been young enough to play one of the kids in the show. You can always look to a teenager to humble you.
As I scrolled through my phone’s photo album, it was overwhelming to see how much life we had lived since Miguel was singing about his “unfortunate erection” onstage in The Bee.
So. Many. Asteroids.
What in the world could the next 20 years hold? And what if they are just as full? Oh my god, that is an absolutely exhausting prospect to consider. I have had to remind myself multiple times this week that we experience life one day at a time, not 20 years all at once. Thank goodness.
Still, the ambition that navigated the asteroids of decades past, that created all that fullness remains notably absent. Shockingly, I’m not beating myself up over this lack of hustle, I’m letting it be. I’m trying to enjoy the downtime I have, catching up on TV shows and teaching myself embroidery. You read that right – embroidery, like a Victorian lady, but in sweatpants.
I trust my ambition will return, but I’m not forcing it, and that feels rather freeing. Like everything, I know this time too shall pass. After all, what’s a couple of slow months after 20 years of asteroids.
P.S. Very random and very fun, Jesse Tyler Ferguson (the original Leaf Coneybear in Spelling Bee on Broadway) was at the same performance of Spelling Bee with us!
Updates and Events!
New episode of Seizing Life is out now! Listen to my chat with fellow podcaster and epilepsy advocate Landis Wiedner.
Catch me on the Nate Haber’s The Optimal Life podcast chatting epilepsy and being a parent advocate.
CURE Epilepsy Takes Manhattan: Get your tickets or sponsorship opportunities today to see Miguel and his friends from Broadway’s American Idiot reunite to perform punk/pop showtunes to benefit CURE Epilepsy on May 4th in Manhattan!
Photo ID1: Actress, Autumn Best in costume as Logainne Schwartzandgrubenierre, with Miguel, Jackson, and Kelly on stage at the off-Broadway production of The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee.
Photo ID2: Miguel, Jackson, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, and Kelly smiling backstage.
